A Christ-centered Courtship is a series of messages on godly courtship preached by Paul Hershberger. He preached these messages several times at different locations over the last ten years. Recently, we had them transcribed and abridged for reading clarity. After printing all six articles in The Heartbeat of the Remnant, we will publish them in a booklet. This is the first article of six.
Introduction
My wife and I had the privilege of having a courtship without regrets or guilt. We were blessed with parents who guided us in the right way and gave us opportunities that they didn’t have.
If you don’t have that testimony or memory, please don’t go on a guilt trip. But my prayer for you is that you get a burning burden and vision in your heart to have it for your children. That can be your reward.
A Christ-centered courtship is a period of time between a single life and a married life. The decisions you make in this period will affect you for the rest of your lives. With God’s blessing on your life, you can end up with no regrets or guilt.
Five goals for this Christ-Centered Courtship series.
Goal #1. To turn the hearts of the fathers to their children.
Goal #2. To turn the hearts of the children to their fathers.
Goal #3. That parents would get a burden to lead each one of their children into the perfect will of God for their lives.
Goal #4. That young people would get a burden to seek after God, find fulfillment and purpose in walking with God, and you would seek maturity in your manners and in your character.
Goal #5. That young men and young women would rise up to be godly fathers and godly mothers with a vision to raise up another godly generation, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ can go on.
God’s Plan for Male and Female
Ecclesiastes 12:1 says, “Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them.” My desire is that each one of you, remember your Creator in the days of your youth. Turn your heart, your focus, and your life to pursue after your Creator, Almighty God, in heaven.
What does he mean, “while the evil days come not” and “the years draw nigh”? It means to seek the Lord when you’re young. Take the energy of your youth and seek after God. Young people, you’re young and full of ideas, visions, plans, and dreams. I doubt there are any of you who just enjoy sitting down in an easy chair, putting your feet up, and just dreaming about how terrible and horrible life is going to be. We don’t do that, do we? But if we don’t walk with God and follow God’s plan, hard things will come upon us. When hard things come in life, we have no place to turn to. We dream that life will turn out well. The decisions and actions in our youth affect us for the rest of our lives. The good news is they can affect us in a good way. The bad news is they can affect us in a bad way. It depends on what decisions and choices we make. But young people, you’re young, and you have the opportunity to choose.
Let’s go to the beginning of Genesis.
“And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:18-24).
“And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth” (Genesis 1:26-28).
“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18). “I’ll make him an help that is meet for him.” God said He would do that.
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them” (Genesis 1:27). God made. God created us male and female. It takes a lot of blind faith to believe that we evolved perfectly as male and female. The creation of male and female is God’s plan. It is one of the living proofs of Creation. God made. God created. It’s God’s plan. God is the Author. And God’s plan brings blessing.
I’d like to look at ten different aspects of this blessing of God’s plan.
1) God brings Eve to Adam.
“And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man” (Genesis 2:22-23).
God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. Then God created Eve and brought her to Adam. Adam awoke and realized, “This one is for me!” He had seen all the animals go by when he named them. Now God brings him someone that is for him. He also realized, “She was taken out of my side.” She’s close to his heart. “This is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” It’s not a dog; it’s not a giraffe, or a monkey, or an ape. This one that God brought to him is like him. God’s plan has a blessing.
Adam and Eve had never had a companion before. Adam and Eve had never let the emotions of their heart go before. Something happened in Adam and Eve’s hearts. Adam was a “one-woman man,” and Eve was a “one-man woman.” They never gave their heart passions to anybody else. God has that plan for us, too. God’s plan brings blessings.
2) Leaving and cleaving in unity for life.
“Therefore Bshall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
This verse says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,” but Adam and Eve did not have a father and mother. What God is saying it doesn’t work for there to be cleaving unless there’s leaving. Also, in Mark 10:7, we read, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife.” This is God’s plan, and God’s plan brings blessing.
Leaving means to leave behind, to abandon. “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother” is to leave parents leave behind. Let’s consider a young man who has a really good home life. He’s blessed and has everything he needs. Yet once God brings his Eve into his life, something rises up inside him, and he says, “I’m leaving!” But this is God’s plan. And God’s plan brings blessing.
It’s not just leaving his father and mother; he also cleaves to his wife. Cleave means “to glue to, to adhere.” We are very familiar with glued wood panels. All kinds of solid furniture are made out of panels glued together. And if they’re glued together right, they will not come apart at the joints. If you tear them apart, you’re going to have to tear the wood apart. God’s glue is the same way, where it glues two people together. The only way to tear them apart is by splintering and ripping and God does not bless that. But leaving and cleaving, staying together and being glued together, that’s God’s plan and it brings blessing.
3) They shall be one flesh.
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Two single people who become one married couple, become one unit before God, and become one family before God. They become one flesh, where God sees them as together as one.
“And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:8-9). God’s plan for male and female is that He brings Eve to Adam. Then the leaving and cleaving to take place. He causes them to become one flesh. Pulling apart is no blessing at all but bringsagony,pain,travail, and hurt. There is no blessing in separation. But God’s plan brings blessing.
4) Not an unequal yoke.
“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness” (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39).
God’s plan is that marriage is an equal yoke. God will not bring an Eve to an Adam in a marriage that is an unequal yoke.Let’s think about leaving and cleaving, getting glued together, and two becoming one. In marriage, those two are now one before God. Imagine being in a bad marriage relationship like this—a family like this trying to function together. There will be no blessing.
But an equal yoke brings blessing! God desires that we be joined together in one flesh, one heart, and one mind. He wants to see us joined in heart, mind, and fleashthe whole being, being one. God’s plan brings blessing.
5) God planned for us to have children.
“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth” (Genesis 1:28). Think of the joy and miracle every time another child is born into a Christian home. God planned it this way. And if God brought Adam his Eve, and they leave and cleave, they become one flesh, one heart, one mind. If they are equally yoked and God blesses them with children, it becomes a joyful haven where God can dwell. “And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 9:1). “And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein” (Genesis 9:7). God’s plan brings blessing.
6) Headship order.
“But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3). It is God, and then Christ, the man, and the woman. God established a headship order, and this headship order is a blessing. It’s God’s plan, and it’s a blessing.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:1-3). . Children, obey your parents in the Lord is a part of the headship order. This not difficult to understand, is it? A home following the plan of God is just a blessed situation. Young people learn to be under authority. Make that your high priority. The sooner you learn to be under authority, the better you will be prepared for the responsibilities in life.
I remember looking at married life and having aspirations about teaching children and raising a godly family. I listened to the “Godly Home” series and thought I was ready to go. But then the day came when it was my turn and my responsibility, and all of a sudden, my heart wanted to wither. Responsibility doesn’t feel the same as dreaming about it does. YOU need to do something! YOU are responsible. YOU need to make it happen. And, by the way, not just make it happen; you need to make it happen in a Christlike way. You need to make it happen in a way that the anointing of the Spirit of God can come down on your family. The better we learn how to be under authority, the better we’ll be prepared for those responsibilities. The more we realize we need God, the better off we are. Let’s make a high priority out of learning to be under authority as children and as young people. “My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee” (Proverbs 3:1-2).
God will add his blessing if we stay in this headship order. The more you learn how to be under authority, the more you will be blessed when you establish your home. God’s plan has blessings.
7) A godly marriage.
Ephesians 5:21,22,24 says, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. . . Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
First of all look at verse 21, “submitting yourselves one to another.” There’s a blending together that needs to happen in a godly home. This blending together should happen in the fear of God. If we’re submitting one to another in the fear of God, we’re going to obey God because we want His blessings.
Ephesians 5: 22, 24 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. . . Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” Young ladies, you can count on it: submission to Dad equals submission to a husband. You can practice while you are single. This will help build character in your life. Being a rebellious and froward woman is not going to bring the blessing of God.
It goes on and says, in Ephesians 5:25,28,29. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.” Young men, this says that husbands should love their wives. So who do you think God put in your life to prepare you to love your wife? Your mother! Do you want to learn how to love your wife? Learn how to get along with your mom, love your mom, and care about her. Do you want to practice to love your future wife? Go ahead and love your mom.
Verse 33, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” God’s plan brings blessings.
8) Being heirs together of the grace of life.
1 Peter 3:7 “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” As husbands, we give honor to the wife. She is the weaker vessel and the one that born the children! She’s gone through a lot of traumatic changes in her life. She’s the one that gets worn out and tires sooner.
And he says, “Husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge.”
Young men, learn to understand your mom and your sisters. It will help you after you get married. Don’t conclude that—ah, that’s just women. No, you want the blessing of God. Learn to know and understand them.
“Being heirs together of the grace of life.” God wants us to be heirs together of the grace of life. If we’re not heirs together of the grace of life, can we be heirs separated of the grace of life? I don’t think so. He says we should be heirs together so that our prayers are not hindered. So if we’re heirs separated, could we say our prayers will be hindered? Yes, our prayers will be hindered. Let’s give honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel. Every ounce you can gain in this area will only bless you later. It’s worth it. God’s plan brings blessing.
9) A blessed and secure home.
This comes partly out of 1 Peter 3:7, but also from Psalm 144:12 “That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace.” The grace of God is on a secure home where there is unity. Where Dad is understanding Mom, where Dad cares about Mom. Dad is ministering and is there to help and guide. He’s there to give direction with a heart of compassion. God’s plan for male and female—God’s plan brings blessings.
10) As Christ and the church.
“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church” (Ephesians 5:24-29).
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.” God is looking for men who are willing to give their lives. Single young men, who are willing to answer the call and give their life. This is a high calling of God. It’s the plan of God.
Young men, are you willing to lay down your life, your agenda, and those independent things you like to do? Are you willing to be patient, gentle, and understanding? Are you willing to lose sleep and keep going even when you’re tired? Are you willing to stay calm and not react in stressful circumstances? Are you willing to lead and guide a wife and children, eternal souls, through this life?
But my plea is that you would volunteer and say, “I’m willing to apply myself to the Word of God, the will of God, the plan of God, and I’ll give my life. I’m willing to lay it on the altar.” Jesus gave His life for us, and He’s comparing the marriage with the church and Him.
There’s also a need for mothers who are submissive and yielded to authority. Mothers who do not follow the women’s lib of our day but are rather content to be keepers at home.
Young ladies, are you willing to enlist? Will you give your heart to be guided and led? Are you willing to follow and to cheerfully submit to your authority? Are you willing to serve and be spent for your family? Are you willing to serve and be spent for YOUR family? If you get married someday, it will be YOUR family that you’ll be serving and being spent for. Are you willing to bear pain and discomfort? Are you willing to be a helpmeet, giving yourself for his burden and vision?
But as we look at God’s plan and blessings, you want God’s blessing, young people! But that means you need to make choices accordingly. Rise up and make decisions that will lead to maturity. Maturity comes with the process of seeking after God. Make a commitment in your heart to open yourself to God’s blessings and principles. I encourage you to walk with God, to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, and to do so in humility.
Seek after Christlike character, and do it on purpose. It is so easy for us to just live life however it happens. But if we make decisions on purpose, it will take us somewhere! Those decisions matter. Do things according to God’s plan.
God has a plan for male and female and he has a plan for you.
