One day you may be walking along a seashore. You glance back to watch your footprints disappear with the next surge of foaming water. You love to hear the soothing swish of the breakers. You gaze at the graceful sweep of shoreline and glittering ocean way out to the horizon. Life is good.
Suddenly a huge wave sweeps in and lifts you off your feet. You struggle and flail to regain your footing. Or the wave may even carry you farther and slam you against a rock wall, leaving you stunned and gasping in pain.
This wave may be called grief, as expressed in the following stanza from the song by Mary A. Baker.
Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today;
The depths of my sad heart are troubled;
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o’er my sinking soul!
And I perish! I perish, dear Master;
Oh hasten, and take control.
In the past year, many of us have lost loved ones. Perhaps it was a childhood friend, or someone from our church family, or even from our immediate family. Depending on how close we were, we felt drops, splashes, or even tidal waves of grief.
Our grief stems from the relationship we shared. We have invested in each other’s lives to some degree. We have loved, but now that love has nowhere to go. We could say that grief is the price of love.
Here is how one widow described grief: “At the sudden and untimely death of my husband, the feeling was one of overwhelming shock, disbelief, and even panic, as I faced an uncertain future without him at the age of 51. Looking back, I realize how merciful God is to allow us to be in a certain state of numbness and shock at a time like this, allowing the reality to sink in more slowly.”
How did she cope? She says, “I am also awed at how He provides the grace and strength to go through hard things in life that we never thought we would have to face. He walks with us as we go through the valley of grief, so we are never walking alone. The journey of grief is not the same for everyone. It is not over in a few months. For me, I still cried a year later. It took a long time for the pain to fade and for life to become meaningful again. But praise God, that time does come! It is best not to look too far into the future. We walk one day at a time with Jesus, knowing that the best is yet to come.”
Here are more experiences from those who have been there:
- “I am still learning that when we say, ‘It’s all right, Lord,’ we need to leave it there, at Jesus’ feet.”
- “Grieving people are very lonely, but there’s also an aloneness that comes from not having a place to belong. You may be in a room of people, and still feel utterly alone, because you’ve lost your sense of belonging, or your category of belonging has changed.”
- “The presence of a grieving person can be painful for others. It’s a reminder that “bad” things can happen. So, at times they are not invited, which is painful. A grieving person wants to be invited, but at times when included they feel their lack of belonging anew and think they should have stayed at home. Most times, casual conversation can be difficult for them when their world has been violently shaken. Their hearts are heavy while the mood of others is lighthearted, making them feel even more despondent. Understandably, many people don’t know what to do when they see others grieving, so they default to doing nothing and walk away. Many friendships are lost after a loss, which is even more painful.”
- “God was so close. He was always there. ‘Underneath are the everlasting arms’, and I felt them.”
God can use sorrow and grief to teach us what we might not learn in happier times. We learn to depend on Him. We think of the seriousness of life. We learn to embrace eternal values and anticipate heaven. We are motivated to cherish the loved ones we still have when we hear expressions such as this: “Looking back, I wish we would not have taken the time we had together for granted. I wish I would have recognized his personality traits as strengths rather than things that annoyed.”
Those who lose loved ones often find themselves in the limelight for a time. Many people want to know how they are responding, especially when the death is an unusual situation. Consider the experience of Elizabeth Elliot and the four others who were made widows in 1956 by jungle killers in Ecuador. Or think of Marie Troyer whose husband John was murdered by guerrillas in Guatemala in 1981, or the mothers of the girls killed in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania in 2006.
These women found themselves in the glare of an almost worldwide spotlight. Their greatest opportunity to display God’s enabling grace likely came at a time when they wanted it least. But their responses of forgiveness, unselfishness, and trust in God amazed the world, at least considering the amount of media attention. Truly, A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid –Matthew 5:14.
While we and those we know will hardly face that level of exposure, we too have a unique platform to display God’s grace. We may never have a better opportunity to touch hardened or seeking hearts than in our own hour of grief.
When we hear that people have indeed been drawn to God through the death of our loved one, it can be a source of comfort and meaning. This death was not a senseless tragedy; it was meant to bring glory to God. In other words, God does not waste our sorrows.
It reminds us of Jesus’ words about Lazarus when he said, …This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby –John 11:4. Jesus is our perfect example for relating to those in sorrow. He came to Mary and Martha and listened. He cried with them even though He knew He could and then did transform the whole situation by raising Lazarus.
How do we help?
What is our part in helping a grieving sister glorify God in the midst of her situation? Consider the thoughts shared by the following widows:
- “What helped was when a dear sister sat with me and told me she cared. And in her quietness, I could feel that her love was real.”
- “Grief is surprising and unexpected. The person may be having a good day when they hear a song, smell a certain scent, or see a familiar article of clothing which triggers a memory followed by a flood of tears. If this happens when you’re with them, it’s okay. Tears are okay. Tears are healing. Stay present and help them through it. Press in; grieve with them. It’s better to err in doing something than in doing nothing. You may not understand. That’s okay. You don’t need to experience loss to show that you care.”
- “Grief is exhausting and mentally debilitating. So don’t just ask what you can do; look for a need they may have and try to fill it. For example, ‘I’d like to come over Tuesday evening and fix your faucet’ or ‘We’d like to come and bring a meal if you’re up to it?’”
- “One thing that meant a lot to me was when people shared pleasant memories of our loved one, or things they appreciated about him. Even today, almost nineteen years later, it still warms my heart when people do that.”
- “It was all the cards that came every day for the first two months after my husband died. I looked forward to them every day, and the first day without a card was hard.”
- “What really helped me was when someone told me to focus on my blessings; that they are praying for me, and they care. Or they invited me to go along even if the number was then lopsided. Another thing was when they stopped by for coffee breaks or when they sent a text.”
- “Widows need encouragement on their anniversary date and on the date their husband died. It means a lot if someone ‘actually’ remembers! A widow’s supper is nice. So is having a secret sister. It helped when someone gave a listening ear and was there to help with the work and the young children. Most of all, I knew people were praying for us.”
What do we say?
We may struggle with what to say to a bereaved friend. After all, we do not want to be like Job’s wife or his friends whose words only increased Job’s suffering. Here are some perspectives:
- “They need not tell us we are alone now. We know that already.”
- “Grief may really shake someone’s faith in God, momentarily paralyzing them, especially if they haven’t experienced much trauma before. As much as they long to trust God and accept this new reality in their lives, sometimes it takes time to simply get through the shock and be able to talk to God again. This is okay. They will most likely find healing and deepen their faith, but give them space to struggle, wrestle, and grieve deeply. Listen and try to refrain from “fixing” their faith with words such as “All things work together for good…”, or “At least you…”
- “Asking a grieving person how they are doing could put them in a difficult position. Asking in a crowd of people may not be the best time. It may be best not to ask unless you really want to know and are willing to take the time to listen.”
- “It is hard to think rationally in those first hard months. I did not appreciate being asked those first months what I would do for a living. I first needed to process my grief. I was also trying to help my young daughters who were devastated at the loss of their beloved daddy. That decision could wait.”
The following excerpts reveal other struggles with grief:
- “Everyone grieves differently; there is no right or wrong way. And it never goes away even though all my friends’ lives go on as normal, which is very painful to watch. Holidays are very hard. Attending weddings is almost not doable. This is a couple’s world and only by the grace of God is it possible. Actually, the weeks before the annual anniversary dates are harder than the actual days.”
- “One thing I realized very quickly was that we live in a very couple-orientated world. At the loss of a spouse, one is left trying to figure out where they fit in. I deeply appreciate, when I’m in a group setting that includes widows and singles, that there are those who try to make me feel included and not the odd one out.”
- “You can’t put a time limit on grief. It’s different for everyone. There’s no ‘getting over it’ so that it doesn’t hurt anymore. If grieved properly, the wound is not as raw, and it becomes a scar. It’s like getting used to living without an arm or a leg. You adjust to it not being there, but you never stop missing it.”
- “Death in the family or losing a spouse is harder than one can imagine until they are going through the same thing. I wish we would have had more church support. Our boys need a father figure to follow, one to teach them what a dad would.”
- “Our children make mistakes as other children do; they need encouragement, not criticism. Also, they could use a helping hand with their work. I wish I would not have needed to leave my youngest child alone so much when I went to work. I broke out in a sweat more than once wondering where the money was coming from to pay the bills, but I thank the Lord that it was always there.”
How can we remember to support the grieving beyond those first days and weeks? We could mark our calendars with the dates of their birthdays, anniversaries, and their loved one’s death date. Then we could designate a certain day of the week to do something for them. If we make a plan, we are more likely to carry out our good intentions.
Finally, we should also remember the “widows who aren’t”. Sometimes there are those among us whose life is racked by a grief worse than that of an actual death. Perhaps there was betrayal, abandonment, incarceration, or suicide in their life’s journey. They may almost envy the clean wound of the “normal” widow. Or they may struggle with guilt on top of their grief.
These situations are often located far outside our comfort zones. There are no easy answers of how to deal with them. But let us not stay aloof from such a sister if we have the opportunity. God will help us find a way to show we care if we ask Him.
As we, and those we love, keep walking with God, may we portray the scene in the final verse of the song mentioned earlier:
“Master, the terror is over, the elements sweetly rest;
Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored,
And heaven’s within my breast.
Linger, O blessed Redeemer,
Leave me alone no more;
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor,
And rest on the blissful shore.”
Let’s conclude with a quote from a widow:
“Walk with them until they can come out of the cave and feel the sunshine again. It may require hard work and getting messy at times, but to them you will be Jesus ‘with skin on’. You are not responsible for their healing; only Jesus can do that. But you can bring them to Him.
Remember the friends that brought the paralyzed man to Jesus, lowering him through the roof. And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee … And Jesus knowing their thoughts said, Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then saith he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house. And he arose, and departed to his house. But when the multitudes saw it, they marvelled, and glorified God, which had given such power unto men –Matthew 9:2-8.
What a beautiful picture! In like manner, you can carry your grief-‘paralyzed’ friend to Jesus. Watch them be healed, shoulder their burden of grief, and then move on toward their heavenly home. As we see God doing a work in their heart, we can all praise God together!”
~In this article, the sections in quotation marks were shared with the author by a number of anonymous widows.
