That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace –Psalm 144:12.
The vision of every godly parent is to see their children grow into mature adulthood. We want our children to develop biblical convictions that will govern their lives and allow them to become independent of parental guidance.
This was the vision of every Jewish father. To celebrate their child’s transition to personal responsibility, a ceremony was held called bar mitzvah for boys, and bat mitzvah for girls. This was traditionally done at the age of thirteen. Bar mitzvah means “a son of the commandment” and bat mitzvah “a daughter of the commandment”. After bar mitzvah a son was considered to be “under the law” and responsible for his own actions. Prior to this event, his parents were accountable for his actions.
Most of us are not of Jewish descent; however, our Lord Jesus was. We find him at the age of twelve sitting in the temple visiting with the doctors, both hearing them and asking them questions. And all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers. (see Luke 2:47) Jesus demonstrated an amazing level of maturity at the age of twelve. Even his parents were amazed. Yes, he was divine, yet as a human he demonstrated the potential for early maturity given the right set of values and disciplines.
The teen years are transitional years. Teens are transitioning from childhood to adulthood; from being dependent on parents to learning to be independent. This transition is a process that must be understood by both the parents and the child. Too much freedom too soon, can leave the child feeling insecure and can result in bad choices that can have life-long consequences. Too little freedom can squelch a child’s character growth and can become fertile ground for rebellion.
The teen years are growing years. Just as a plant needs diligent cultivation throughout its life cycle, so a child needs ongoing direction throughout his teen years. After Jesus’ episode in the temple we read, And he went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them… –Luke 2:51. We will look at some things that parents can do to nurture maturity in their children, but first we will consider several relationships that are foundational to healthy maturity.
Happy is that people, that is in such a case: yea, happy is that people, whose God is the LORD –Psalm 144:15.
Parental relationship
The relationship between the parent and the child in the teen years is largely a reaping of what that relationship was throughout the formative years of childhood. Unless there is a major spiritual crisis that dynamically changes the relationship—such as an evangelical conversion on the part of either the parent or the child—we (as parents) reap during the child’s teen years that which we have sown during their childhood.
Raising teens is a rewarding experience if there has been a healthy foundational relationship established throughout childhood. If the parent has been physically and emotionally present; if the parent and child have been communicating openly and freely; and if the parent has lovingly maintained the role of authority and control, then a foundation has been laid for a more mature level of relating during the teen years.
In the absence of this kind of parental relationship, the child entering the teen years will try to fill this void with other relationships. Most often, if a parental relationship is lacking, a child will seek to fill that void through relationships with their peers. Peers are great friends but are a poor substitute for a parent. We have been created to be relational. Teens especially crave significance through relationship.
There are two things that every teen is looking for in parental relationship. One is identity and the other is affirmation. Two burning questions in the heart of every teen are “Who am I?” and “Am I OK?”.
The identity factor
When children are young, they assume their family identity. As children grow into adolescence and become more independent, they begin to view themselves as someone more than merely Dad’s son. They begin to develop an identity of their own. This movement toward “being my own person” becomes evident in many of the choices that they make such as:
- How they dress
- Their choice of music
- Their choice of friends
- Whether or not they choose to serve their parent’s God
- Whether or not they choose to worship in the church of their upbringing
Admittedly, there are other influences that can affect a teen’s choices in these areas, but for the most part these choices reflect the relationship between the child and the parent. Where the parent has exerted a positive influence on the child, that child will be more inclined to adopt the values of the parent.
When the parental relationship has broken down or has never been nurtured, or if the relationship has been nothing more than a master/slave relationship, that child will seek to identify with someone other than the parent. This will manifest itself in choices of dress, music, friends, and activities that the parent will not approve of. This is often called “teenage rebellion”.
Is “teenage rebellion” always the fault of the parent? No, but if you are not actively involved in building and maintaining a relationship with your teen, it is likely to happen. It is important to note that there is a rebel in the heart of every person. In my last article I stressed the importance of confronting that rebel spirit when our children are young and impressionable.
This rebel spirit will not be fully conquered until it is surrendered to God through an evangelical conversion experience. Only a work of the grace of God upon the heart can subdue the inborn rebellion against God and parental authority.
Know the heart of your child and seek to lead them into loving submission to the Lord Jesus Christ. Only in a relationship with Jesus Christ can our children find their true and lasting identity. Parental authority has a place in shaping and controlling our children when they are young. As our children grow into adulthood, we come to realize that parental authority has limitations and our children need to be controlled by an influence beyond ourselves.
It is never too late to build a relational bridge. If you are feeling that you have failed in your relationship with your children, it’s never too late to call them to your side and humbly seek to restore what is missing. Even if your children are gone from home, I can assure you that they long for a relationship with mom and dad.
The affirmation factor
Every teen longs to be affirmed by their parents, especially their father. You can affirm your teen by looking for and acknowledging positive character traits. There is a place for corrective criticism from parent to child, but criticism that demeans is not constructive; it’s destructive. For every critical comment you should have several positive compliments. In other words, you earn the right to criticize what is wrong by blessing what is right.
You can affirm your teen by treating them with dignity and respect. You can ask, “How do you feel about…?” Or “What do you think we should do…?” You are not surrendering your parental responsibility by probing your son’s or daughter’s mind for their perspective. You are actually causing them to be “grown up in their youth” by forcing them to think as adults.
You can affirm your teen by treating him with common courtesy. Simple things like “please” and “thank you”,” I’m sorry”, “pardon me”, “good bye”, “have a good day”, “drive safely”, and “God bless you”, expresses worth and value to your teen. If these simple courtesies are common in your home your children will return them to you. Think about how you feel when someone says to you, “Oh, excuse me, I’m sorry.” You feel a sense of respect, value, and dignity. That is a simple gift that every parent can give to his child.
You can affirm your teen by entrusting him with responsibility. I grew up on a dairy farm. We had plenty of opportunity to develop character and skills. I remember one day when I was 16 years of age, my dad needed a concrete block wall built out in the barn. I volunteered for the job. Dad provided the blocks and the mortar and got me started. Then I was on my own. Did I build a professional-looking wall? No, but I was quite proud of the outcome and that wall lasted for many years. Dad trusted me to do a man’s job and I did it.
Affirming is not flattery. Flattery is praise that is not sincere and often is not true. Affirming is recognizing and encouraging the good that you see in another. I have encountered grown men who have wept bitterly because they had never received affirmation from their father. Even Jesus received affirmation from His Father when His Father said, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”
(2) Relationship with God
Our first responsibility in evangelization is to our children. If we cannot evangelize our children, how can we expect to win others to the Lord? We have a distinct advantage in relating our faith to our children in that we are living with our children. They can and do observe how our faith is lived out in everyday life. This should be the most convincing evidence for the validity of our faith.
Unfortunately, how parents live out their faith, or rather fail to live out their faith, can become a huge stumbling block to their children. Our children are keenly aware of any inconsistency in our Christian profession.
Conversely, if our children see that the power of God is evident in our lives, if they see their parents demonstrating faith in God that carries them through difficult times, if they see their parents demonstrating a graceful rest in the Lord, and if, in the home Jesus Christ is exalted and worshipped, they will be convinced to make their parents’ God, their God.
It is the reality of the gospel lived out in daily life that is the most convincing evidence for the validity of our faith. Our children should be our first witnesses to the transformational work of the gospel in our hearts.
How does a parent lead his child to salvation? Salvation is a work of God; however, God uses human instrumentality to accomplish His work. Parents play a major role in leading their children to Christ. Be aware of evidence of conviction. If a child is quiet and withdrawn, or irritable and restless, or belligerent and defiant, it may be that the spirit of God is working in their heart.
Hopefully, you have nurtured a relationship that allows you to probe their heart and gently lead them to Jesus for forgiveness and cleansing. Most of our children’s conversions were initiated by a parent. We recognized signs of conviction and lead them to brokenness and repentance and to receive salvation through faith in Christ.
The early teen years are an ideal time for a child to surrender his/her life to Jesus if he has not already done so. When active rebellion sets in, a teen often makes choices that lead to painful reaping and sometimes irrevocable consequences. A life of dedicated service to God is the only life of blessing and fulfilment.
Relationship with the church
There is one more relationship that dramatically affects the formation of a teen’s life and convictions and that is the local church. We gain both our sense of identity and our understanding of the reality of the Christian faith through our experience of worship and relationship within the local church. After parental relationship, this is the next most significant influence in a teen’s life.
It is important that we worship in a church that presents the gospel as a transformational relationship with God through faith in Jesus. It is also important that our church life consists of warm, loving relationships in a close–knit community.
The reason that I mention this is that some parents have the mistaken idea that they can provide all the spiritual direction and relationships that their children need. This may seem to work when the children are small and close at hand, but as our children grow into adulthood, they will seek a broader world of relationships. The local church and community of associated churches provides this broader base of fellowship.
It is important to worship in a church that you can support and that you can encourage your children to support. Many children have been lost to the faith because mom and dad were not supportive of the church where they were worshipping. It is far better to move on and find a church that you can support than to stay in a church and be in a state of constant opposition.
I am not encouraging church hopping. It is important to children, especially your teens, that there is stability in church life. Find a church that you are comfortable with, hopefully while your children are young, and stick with it. There are always logistical exceptions and your children will adapt to these, but for the most part a stable church life produces youth who have a strong sense of identity and purpose.
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth –Psalm 127:4. This verse reminds us that our children are a mighty defense against the enemy. If properly honed (trained) and balanced (taught disciplines) our children will have the potential to outlive us both in years and in usefulness. When you release the arrow your children will go places both in time and in the world that you will never see. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate –Psalm 127:5.
