God’s will is for beautiful homes, where children are brought to God. We find this in both testaments of the Bible. But sometimes things go wrong in our homes. Let’s explore some of those things.
Sometimes parents come to the church with grown children. So the parents are joining the church, but the children are already here, there, and the other place.
Some parents come to the church with their children and send them to a Christian school, but one parent goes astray. The other parent tries to bring the children up, but the gate is left open and one by one the children leave. Can we blame those children and call them rebellious when parents gave them such an example? All rebellious children are lost, but not all lost children are rebellious.
Sometimes families harbor resentment and roots of bitterness as a result of church problems or some other negative life experience. Maybe one of the parents or the children have a bitter root and cannot find healing or restoration, so the gate is left open.
Sometimes there are failures in the home, as it was in our case—failures in my own life.
In some homes the husband mistreats the wife. He may be an excellent speaker at church and can give an eloquent devotional but is a tyrant at home, yelling at the children, or demeaning his wife. His life is not in accordance with his words over the pulpit and his prayers at home. Can we blame the youth who are lost from this kind of home?
Sometimes bad influences lead to wrong decisions—either in the life of the parent or the child. Whatever the case, sheep are lost, and someone needs to find them.
I want to help and bless parents whose hearts are heavy with a son or daughter who has strayed away from the fold. I am also a parent of a lost child, so I will not be throwing stones at anyone but rather talking about myself, and to myself. It is hard to open our hearts about subjects that hurt, subjects that weigh on us heavily, subjects hard to talk about, so I want to share with much compassion and hope.
I am sharing not only for parents of lost children, but also to parents who may someday have lost children. Tomorrow something may happen that you have not experienced heretofore. God forbid, but if that happens, perhaps these words will help you. I also am speaking to those who God wants to use to bring back the lost sheep.
Christ spoke much of searching, finding, and bringing the lost back to the fold. In the following verses we’ll see His heart in the matter.
- These twelve Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying, Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not: But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel –Matthew 10:5-6. Seek and bring the lost sheep! They were once part of the fold; they belong here. They are lost sheep, not goats. Jesus says, seek there first.
- But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel –Matthew 15:24.
- How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? –Matthew 18:12.
- For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost –Luke 19:10.
- While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled –John 17:12. Father, Mother, your child is not a son of perdition, but a sheep Christ is searching for. Keep this clear in your mind. As we are seeking the lost Christ is interceding and fighting for us; He does not want to lose any soul.
- That the saying might be fulfilled, which he spake, Of them which thou gavest me have I lost none –John 18:9.
Any godly parent is conscious of the devastating possibility that someday, in their home, a child could go astray. Job was very conscious of this possibility with his ten children.
And day after day, Job, with this preoccupation, went to the altar and offered sacrifices to the Lord in case something evil had entered his children’s hearts—some temptation, a failure. He wanted to make sure his prayers were continually ascending to God on their behalf because he did not know what they were facing, and he was conscious of the tragedies that could happen. Job was concerned, but Eli was not.
A prophet came to talk to Eli about his sons. “Eli, your sons…”
“Oh yes, it’s true…”
“Eli, wake up! Eli!”
Yet Eli spoke mildly to his sons. “Sons, it’s no good thing that I hear about you…”
No concern. No heavy heart. No tears; no zeal.
Indulgent parents suffer loss. The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame –Proverbs 29:15. This is a principle, showing what the rod, accompanied with correction and admonition, will produce in your child’s life. It also shows what will result from indulgence and loose reins—do it if you wish, go ahead, it’s your life—that child will bring shame to his parents. We cannot change this biblical principle: indulgence makes children go astray.
David experienced this: And his father had not displeased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so? and he also was a very goodly man; and his mother bare him after Absalom –1 Kings 1:6. This resulted in a lost child who never returned to the fold. David mourned the loss of Absalom.
Abraham’s son Ishmael mocked his other son Isaac; this was painful for him. Rebecca’s heart was afflicted because of Esau’s poor choices, and she did not want Jacob to follow the same way. Parents like Rebecca, David, and Abraham understand a parent’s pain. I also understand.
The ministry to the lost sheep is not only for parents; the whole church needs to be involved. No one should be pointing fingers at parents of lost children as if they’re inferior. This is a ministry for all of us, and they need our help for their heavy load. They need to feel the blessing and intercession of all of us. They need to hear their child prayed for at prayer meeting; they need encouraging notes and words. You should be telling them things like, “This week I saw your son in town and spoke with him a bit and I just wanted to tell you, there’s hope. Take courage; let’s keep pressing on!” It is hard to have a lost child; it is harder yet if the church is not supporting, understanding, praying, and seeking with us. We need your help, brethren.
First, what does God want me to learn from this experience? The first thing we need to do is look at our relationship with our spouse. Do our children see affection, support, and agreement in our relationship? Is your spouse the joy of your life, the crown of your head? In many cases of lost children, there are marriage problems. I should focus on restoring relationships here. I should ask my wife, “Am I causing grief in your life? If you could change anything in my life, what would it be?”
Children will catch on when our relationship improves.
Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them –Matthew 18:19-20. Parents, this applies to you as a couple, interceding for your child.
Does your home have a court? Football is played in a ball court. At each end of the ball court is a goal, and that goal does not have elastic borders. If you go outside, someone will blow a whistle and maybe even toss you a card. The game is played inside the ball court, and our home is the same. If your home is without limits and definition, if your child does not know when they are outside and when they are inside, you will likely lose children. Any home without defined order will not see a lost child returning. Ask Eli if you doubt what I’m saying. This is not the time to give up; it is the time to surrender. What does God want, to do in my life? Saying I can’t, or I give up, is not surrender. We need to say “Lord, let me humble myself and bow in your presence, here I am what do You want to do in my life?” This is surrender.
Parents often respond wrongly: “The problem was the church, so I’ll leave.” I’m sorry, but the problem is not there. You’ll load up your washer, your dog, and… yourself. When you unload at the new place, you will still be there, without change, without opening yourself, without surrender. Moving to another country or sending your child to another country so that no one will find out the shame is not a solution; your child will find out why you sent them away.
But perhaps the church agrees it would be better for you to move, and that is another story. There was a national family in Costa Rica with nine children whose children were going astray one by one. The Dad came to the church asking what to do and the counsel was that they move their family to one of our churches. Their children began returning one by one. The last one who returned is their oldest daughter who was out of the church for twenty years. She returned with two children, divorced from her husband. Today she is a jewel in the church. Brethren, there is hope! This is not the time to give up, to compare, to lay down with all four paws in the air. It is time to humble ourselves and surrender.
Some parents defend their lost children. “It was the pastor, the schoolteacher, the school board.” “They were always picking on his faults.” “Others took advantage of my child.” “They didn’t understand the situation.” This is not the way to win your child back. God is working in your life, so humble yourself. Others make mistakes. You cannot change them; you can only change yourself.
We will not win our children by giving them whatever they want. This removes the ball court, the order. This will drive them further from home; this is not instructing children in ‘the way’.
Some parents do something worse than all this, they reject their lost children. Why? They feel shame. My wife normally takes a photo album along when we travel—photos of where we live, and photos of our children. There is one page that I almost wish no one would see; one picture which looks different than the rest. But I admire that my wife, Suzanne, without shame, opens the photo album and shows it. When I only have shame of where my children and grandchildren are, I am hindering God’s work in their lives, and it is time for me to humble myself because no child is restored with that attitude in the parent. If the child feels shame from the parent, the distance between them will grow.
David rejected Absalom. When Joab got permission for Absalom to return to the city, David granted permission, but said let him go home, I don’t want to see him. That was the last chance David had to reject his son. After that we see the forest, the great tree, the hair caught in the branches, the mule going on, and the young man hanging there with three arrows in his heart. Absalom died and David suffered. He rejected his son when he had the chance to hug him, forgive him, and bring him home.
These processes are not accidents. If we are ashamed of our son or daughter, then we are trying to save ourselves when our job is to save our child. Trying to save my own reputation doesn’t work.
My response to hard situations in my family must be, “Lord, what can I learn from this; what do you see in my life? Am I the cause? How did I contribute to my child’s decision and to where he is now?” “Brethren, how did I contribute to this wrong choice of my child?” My purpose must be to save my child, not to protect myself.
I should maintain respect for my child even if he is living in a wrong way. I should talk about him in such a way that if someday he would hear me talking about him, he would say, “You mean Daddy talked about me like that? Daddy was talking with respect and honor about me?” It is impossible to hide the attitude we have towards our children. If our words are full of blessing and appreciation, a child will pick up on that. Pour healing oil on the words you speak about your lost child. But we also need to tell the brethren the facts of what we are facing with this lost child so that everyone can ‘dial 911’, figuratively speaking.
Every brotherhood should be interceding for and encouraging parents of the lost. These homes should not feel like failures because outstanding children with much promise have come from the same homes, the same parents. Yes, there are needs, there are areas in which the parents should improve, but the home is not a failure.
When Christ left this earth, he promised to send a paraclete (advocate/counselor/comforter) to his children. The paraclete is similar to a lawyer in a court in defense of the condemned, to make sure that help is available. The church should be this paraclete. We are not here to pull out ‘guns loaded with bullets’ and fire them at the parents of lost children. Rather, we need to heal and encourage.
Parents, be careful how you talk about your church leaders and about the agreements the church has decided on. If we are discontent, our child will likely catch on, and our discontentment may be one reason why they are where they are. How is my commitment to the church? Am I on the edge, or in the middle of the warmth and fellowship of the brotherhood?
And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse –Malachi 4:6.
This verse contains an important secret. No matter how hard a parent tries to pull a lost son toward himself, it doesn’t work. No matter how much we criticize the church, the preachers, or the school, it doesn’t work. I have some counsel for you. Examine your attitudes toward your parents and the other authorities in your life, and your relationships with them. Very likely if things are broken there, they will be broken between you and your child. If there are problems between you and your child, the problem likely began between you and your authorities. You can change. Get on your knees and ask God for the opportunity to establish a new relationship with whichever authority figure you are struggling. While that relationship is getting fixed and is growing, the heart of the child begins to change and turn. This can happen even while the child is still in a ‘far-off country’.
Ask God to give you the heart of the prodigal son’s father. The child left with one-third of his father’s goods, a significant sum in any hacienda (estate or plantation). The father watched his son walk off and from that day he began praying, searching—”My son, my son, where are you?” One day the son in the far-off land decided he would arise and return to his father, though he did not consider himself worthy to be called a son anymore. “Daddy, make me as one of your servants.”
What caused this great change in the son? I think the first change was in his father’s heart. I want God to give me that same heart, that same attitude so that my son will say, “I will arise and go to my father.”
I want to share some precious promises we have found for parents of lost children.
- Thus saith the LORD; A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, and bitter weeping; Rahel weeping for her children refused to be comforted for her children, because they were not. Thus saith the LORD; Refrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the LORD; and they shall come again from the land of the enemy. And there is hope in thine end, saith the LORD, that thy children shall come again to their own border –Jeremiah 31:15–17.
- Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him … But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children’s children; To such as keep his covenant, and to those that remember his commandments to do them –Psalms 103:13 – 18. (Parent, be sure you are in this camp of those who fear Him.)
- But thus saith the LORD, Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken away, and the prey of the terrible shall be delivered: for I will contend with him that contendeth with thee, and I will save thy children –Isaiah 49:25.
- And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children –Isaiah 54:13.
- As for me, this is my covenant with them, saith the LORD; My spirit that is upon thee, and my words which I have put in thy mouth, shall not depart out of thy mouth, nor out of the mouth of thy seed, nor out of the mouth of thy seed’s seed, saith the LORD, from henceforth and for ever –Isaiah 59:21.
- For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord our God shall call –Acts 2:39.
All this time we are praying, crying often, feeling a great burden, and examining ourselves. And all this while God has a chisel in His hand, forming the image of Christ more perfectly in our lives. As we surrender to Him and His Spirit moves in us, what emerges is worth more than what was there at the beginning and your son or daughter in a far-off land will realize that Daddy and/or Mommy is not like they used to be.
There is hope for your children. Make sure all is well between you and God, between you and your wife, between you and your father or mother. Stop criticizing others and take all responsibility on yourself. Never speak degradingly of your child. And while these changes are taking place in your heart and spirit, God is working in the heart of your child while they are yet in a ‘far off country’.
