That is the question many young folks seem to be asking today. In this article we are going to take a look at this question from a historical, cultural, and biblical perspective. There are many reasons to marry or to not marry. Let’s explore them with an open mind. The concern behind this article is the apparent trend among our Anabaptist people to delay marriage for years and, in some cases, indefinitely.
Marriage is the oldest institution designed by God. It predates the civil government. It predates the church. Almost immediately after He created Adam, God observed: …It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him –Genesis 2:18.
Along with this was the first mandate given: And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth –Genesis 1:28.
The need for companionship and raising children to “replenish the earth”—these two principles have been a foundational, biblical premise for making marriage the rule rather than the exception. Traditionally among the Jewish people, a man was expected to make a move toward marriage by the time he reached the age of twenty. Some even suggested that if a man was not married by the time he reached the age of twenty, he was a “menace to society”.
Historically, among our Anabaptist churches, efforts have been made to restrict courtship and marriage until the youth were sufficiently mature for the responsibilities of marriage. The typical age for dating to begin was eighteen. Forty years ago, some of us felt that that was unreasonably restrictive.
To The Young Men
(Allow me to address the fellows first since they still are expected to make the first move.) What has transpired that we now have young fellows waiting until their mid to late twenties, and beyond, to pursue marriage? There is no singular answer to this question, so I will suggest a variety of answers and you will need to discern which one fits your situation.
Finances
There was a time when it was thought that economics influenced a young man’s motivation to marry. That may have been true of a few isolated cases, but I know of no young couples who want to get married but just can’t quite afford it yet. Young men of today who have any ambition at all can easily be making a good wage and should be able to save up enough money to be married by the time they are in their early twenties.
Unless… Unless they are spending it as fast, or faster, than they are making it, which brings us to our next possibility—too many toys. Maybe young men are not interested in marriage because they have too many toys and are having too much fun playing with their toys. Pick-up trucks, four-wheelers, boats, skis, hunting paraphernalia, and more can soon consume a young man’s wealth, his time, and his affection, leaving little energy or desire for the domestic responsibilities of a wife and a family. Please note that this kind of lifestyle also delays spiritual and social maturity.
Maturity
Oh, maturity… Maybe that is the answer. Maybe young men do not mature as early as they used to. Maybe our fathers and grandfathers who married in their early twenties were more mature by the time they reached that age. But why would the current generation be delaying in maturity?
Technology
Today’s generation has computers and cellphones. They have social networking, endless contacts, and instant messaging. Should not all this information and social interaction facilitate close relationships that should lead to marriage? You would surely think so.
However, there is this strange phenomenon—“Familiarity breeds contempt”. I know this isn’t a biblical term, but it is worthy of consideration here. Is it possible that our young people know each other so well that they have lost the mystique or the romance of boy/girl relationships? Let me explain. It is considered totally unnatural for a young man to be sexually attracted to his sister. Yes, I know, it happens, but it is not considered to be natural, or healthy, or normal. Growing up in the same home, brothers and sisters develop a familiarity that is beyond romance. She’s my sister. I know her well. I see her strengths. I know her weaknesses.
This level of familiarity provides nothing of mystique or romance. Have our youth become so familiar with each other that they have developed a brother/sister relationship? It is a wise young lady who is reserved in her relationships with young men. By her reserve she nurtures intrigue and interest. I confess, I am from the old school. When I was young, if a girl so much as smiled at me across the room, it was cause for a heart throb. I can not imagine how it affects our youth to be exchanging multiple cross gender texts per day with multiple friends. Is this kind of familiarity healthy or is this contributing to the delay in marriage?
Immorality
There is another concern that must be given due consideration and that is the impact of pornography. It is commonly understood even in secular settings that pornography destroys the desire for, and the ability to, develop real person-to-person relationships. In a pure relationship the mystery and knowledge of sexual intimacy is discovered solely in marriage. If this sounds archaic and outmoded, then consider how far we have fallen… and repent.
Rejection
While all of the above may be true, my interaction with young men who are not moving forward with marriage has revealed another factor that we must consider. Many of the young men who seemingly are not interested in marriage will tell you that, yes, they would like to marry, and yes, they have tried to establish a courtship relationship with a young girl, but, “It just didn’t work out”.
Many of these young men have become disillusioned with courtship and the fear of another rejection prevents them from making the effort. How can young men in this situation be encouraged? It is normal and proper that a young man who has experienced rejection should pass through a time of grieving not at all unlike the grief of losing a close friend through death. Grieving takes time… proper grieving leads to resignation and acceptance.
It seems that young men who experience multiple rejections tend to develop the perception that they are not marriageable material, so they surrender to a life of celibacy. If such is your case, it is wise to commit your situation to the Lord and allow Him to intervene in His timing. I have seen God provide in amazing ways in some of these seemingly desolate cases.
To The Young Ladies
The scenario that I have just described seems to be increasingly common. Perhaps we need to ask the ladies for their perspective on the matter. Are the young ladies being more difficult to woo and to win than in previous generations? If so, why?
Negative Examples
There may be many reasons, and I will only suggest a few. The self-centered spirit of this age has produced a barrage of struggling marriages. Unhappy marriages must certainly have an effect on our youth as they contemplate marriage. Perhaps this is reason enough for our youth to look at marriage with trepidation.
Lack of Trust
It is not a small matter for a young lady to consider beginning a courtship relationship with a young man. It is a decision that must be made prayerfully and with proper counsel and consideration. To agree to marriage is to seal your future to that of the young man. This must be a daunting decision; however, men and women have been marrying and been given in marriage since the beginning of time. Why should this generation be reluctant to take the plunge?
A burning question in the mind of every serious-minded young lady is, “Is this fellow morally pure and will he be true to me if I marry him?” This is an honest question that deserves an honest answer. If a young man wants to marry a pure, young virgin, he must live a life of moral victory and purity. This is not to say that past moral failure disqualifies him from ever marrying, but the desire to marry a pure bride should be a powerful motivation to be morally pure.
Questioning How Best to Serve God
Perhaps some are foregoing marriage so they can serve God more freely in other ways. This could be a noble reason not to marry. The Apostle Paul would certainly give his assent to this. In 1 Corinthians 7:7a he states: For I would that all men were even as I myself… referring to his celibate state. So, in all fairness to Brother Paul we must conclude that some may be called to celibacy and we recognize that fact.
Brother Paul went on to make the argument that a person who is unmarried has much greater freedom to serve God in ways that a married person may not. This is true and is the reason that many young people want to be able to serve in V.S. (voluntary service), or in overseas missions before committing to marriage. This is certainly an honorable endeavor and if God has called you to singlehood and mission work, He will enable you to serve in that capacity.
So, if you as a young lady are going to forego marriage so that you can give one or two years to foreign missions what will you do with your life when your term of service is over? Unless you are a Mother Teresa or an Amy Carmichael you will return to your stateside home and pursue a domestic life. This may still include marriage or perhaps not.
What I want you to ponder is this: “Which will have the greatest impact for the Kingdom of Heaven—two years of foreign mission work, or marriage and raising a family for the glory of God?” I know, it’s difficult to measure, but I want you to consider the impact that godly families have had in the building up of the Kingdom of God throughout history.
Reasons To Marry
The family unit is the foundational building block of the church and of the nation. Strong and growing churches are made up of strong families. If you do the math, you will discover that an average family size of six, will, in five generations, produce over a thousand descendants. This is what God had in mind when He said to Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and multiply”. This is one way that we can build up the kingdom of God on earth.
In addition to this, the family unit is an important social structure. Our closest relationships are found within the family unit. Brothers and sisters are best friends. Parents and children fulfill one another and create lifelong bonds that bring security and identity. As parents grow older, they lean heavily on their children and grandchildren for support and care.
I know when we are young, we don’t tend to think that far into the future. However, before you blithely wave aside another opportunity to marry, I want you to consider the consequences of your decision. Living alone for the next fifty years could get rather lonely. Living with a godly spouse and raising a godly family is one of the most rewarding things you could do with your life. Consider well!
In Conclusion
Delaying marriage is a national trend. The average age of first-time brides is now 28 years. The average age of first-time grooms is 30. As I have already stated, there are many reasons for this trend. I have attempted to address a few. I’m sure there are more. I would that godly young men and women would see marriage as a high calling; a calling that is worthy of personal sacrifice and life-long commitment.
Jeremiah wrote: It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth –Lamentations 3:27. The responsibilities of marriage will certainly “make a man (or woman) out of you” like nothing else will. So… “To marry or not to marry?” That is the question.
So, young man, (or young woman), the answer will be found on your knees before the Lord and in wholesome relationships with your peers of the opposite gender which God brings into your life. Viva la diffèrence!
