Many of us, in our youth, have fantasized about the ideal marriage. We have envisioned being married to someone who loves us unconditionally and who cheerfully accommodates our every peculiarity. In Ephesians 5:22-33 we find just such a marriage. Here the Apostle Paul compares the husband and wife relationship with that of the intimate relationship between Jesus Christ and His bride, the Church. He transitions so easily from the relationship between husband and wife to that of Christ and His bride that we are left wondering which one his primary focus was. In verse 22, he instructs wives to …submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Then in verse 25, he instructs husbands to …love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church….
Paul summarizes this passage by stating that This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. –Eph 5:32. This striking parallelism leads us to believe that marriage is intended to fully reflect the intense, self-sacrificing relationship that Christ demonstrated in securing a bride for himself. This imagery is so powerful that we can only believe that from the time of creation, God designed marriage to reflect his passionate love for us.
Paul wrote, Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; –Eph 5:25. As we observe the life of Jesus during his brief stay here on earth, we see nothing but self-sacrifice for the benefit of others. We find not a hint of self-serving. It is this selfless laying down of His life that makes the Gospel so powerfully attractive to so many.
In 2 Cor 5:14, Paul wrote, For the love of Christ constraineth us…. This is the nature of the Gospel. We are compelled by Christ’s great love for us to love him in return. This reciprocal love results in a life of devoted service that we sometimes call obedience. If you as a husband desire to have a wife that delights in devoted service to you, learn to love like Christ loved.
I. Christ loved with a “sacrificial love”
Philippians chapter two is sometimes referred to as the “great kenosis” of Christ. The Greek word kenoo found in verse seven (But made himself of no reputation), means “to pour out”. In coming to earth, Jesus laid aside his position with the Father and entered life on planet earth through a questionable conception (humanly speaking) as the son of a humble, virgin, peasant girl. That is the reputation that he adopted. He chose to identify with fallen humanity although he had every right to claim equality with God.
In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus demonstrated “sacrificial love” when he …prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. –Mat 26:39. Through His life and sacrificial death, he showed us that intimacy in relationship can only be found by losing ourselves in that relationship. The great bane of our day is self-love and self-absorption. Paul wrote to Timothy …that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves… –2Ti 3:1-2
We see this prophecy being fulfilled with the advent of social networking. While it claims to be a platform where individuals can connect, it actually is a platform for the promotion of self. This obsession with self is “perilous” because it militates against intimacy in relationship and can be fatal in a marriage relationship. Intimacy in marriage is contingent upon two individuals being willing to relinquish their personal identity and assume a new joint identity.
II. Christ loved with a “faithful love”
Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end. –Joh 13:1. Christ demonstrated faithful love, even in the face of rejection. John wrote that He came unto his own, and his own received him not. –Joh 1:11
Matthew wrote, But all this was done, that the scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled. Then all the disciples forsook him, and fled. –Mat 26:56. It is one thing to love those who love us in return. Jesus said that even the publicans do that much. Jesus demonstrated love to those who hated him, to those who betrayed him, to those who denied him, and he even prayed for those who crucified him. His love was sustained by a covenant commitment. He was …the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world. –Rev 13:8. He allowed nothing to deter him from his eternal purpose.
Our society has lost an understanding of covenant; hence we have so many broken marriages. Even many churches that embrace “covenant theology” in regard to salvation fail to apply those same covenant principles to marriage. Malachi clearly states that marriage is a covenant—…yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. –Mal 2:14. Biblical covenant love is a love that is enduring whether or not it is reciprocated.
The most dramatic disclosure of covenant love is found in the Prophets. The message of the prophets is primarily that of a passionate lover “God” calling out to his unfaithful wife “Israel” to return to him—…turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die, O house of Israel? –Eze 33:11. Isaiah wrote: Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. –Isa 55:6-7
Although Israel rebelled against the Lord again and again, yet we see God’s love to her as constant and unaltered. God was faithful to his covenant promise even though His bride bowed the knee to pagan altars. It is this quality of faithful covenant love that brought about the coming of a Redeemer. God made a promise in the Garden of Eden—And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. –Gen 3:15. This promise was fulfilled in Christ some four thousand years later.
On our wedding day we promise to love “till death do us part”. This is a promise made in faith. No one can know on their wedding day what that promise may cost in the span of a lifetime. The cost is irrelevant to the commitment if there is an abiding, enduring love, rooted in the eternal faithfulness of God as our witness.
III. Christ’s love embraced suffering
One characteristic of our self-focused generation is the idea that I should not need to suffer in a relationship. This is a product of our hedonistic, pleasure-seeking society. It finds its way into our Anabaptist culture as we become increasingly affluent and as the lines of separation between us and the world become increasingly obscure. The product of this mind-set is that we have young people going into marriage thinking that “my partner will serve me, and I will be able to live like a prince or a princess.”
Our Anabaptist faith and heritage has been preserved to our day by men and women who understood that a relationship with Christ involves cross-bearing. Stories abound of families who abandoned their homeland and all that they had for the sake of the Gospel.
The concept of embracing suffering in relationship is clearly taught in Peter’s epistle. Peter was writing to a church that was enduring the raging fire of persecution. He was encouraging them to consider Christ’s example of suffering for a cause outside of themselves. Forasmuch then as Christ hath suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves likewise with the same mind… –1Pe 4:1. In chapter two, Peter writes: For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. –1Pe 2:19. Several verses later he states: For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: –1Pe 2:21.
After calling us to be willing to emulate Christ’s example of suffering in chapter two, Peter moves into chapter three by saying, Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. –1Pe 3:1-2. This suffering for well-doing has been regarded as a high honor with Christians of all ages. Only in recent years has suffering for well-doing been regarded as “abuse”. There are at least three forces are shaping our understanding of suffering in a negative way.
1. A Selfish, Pleasure-Seeking Society
One has already been described above, which is the hedonistic (devotion to pleasure as a way of life) society in which we live.
2. The Health, Wealth, and Prosperity Gospel
A second one is the health, wealth, and prosperity gospel of many evangelical churches. The implication is that if we choose to follow Christ our lives will be overflowing with physical well-being and material abundance. This understanding is based on the promises to ancient Israel in the Old Testament of a land flowing with milk and honey. We believe this promise is fulfilled in the church age with a life that is overflowing with the fruit of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, etc. It is possible for these fruit can to abound in the midst of suffering. In fact, when others observe fruit amid another individual’s suffering, that is when it is the most noticeable and the most appreciated.
3. The Feminist Movement
The third influence that today shapes our perspective on suffering comes from the feminist movement that boldly declares that no woman should suffer or experience privation of any kind in a marriage relationship. Hence, we have a society of women with their own careers, drawing their own salary, and maintaining their own bank account. How very different from the testimony of women of faith like Sarah who …obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. –1Pe 3:6
Suffering for the benefit of relationship has been initiated by Christ and emulated by thousands of faithful Christians throughout the church age. We are challenged by the words of the Apostle Peter and by the witness of faithful Christians to embrace suffering as a badge of the authenticity of our faith.
IV. Christ loved with a sanctifying love
God’s plan in creating us was that we would be holy as he is holy so we can experience intimate fellowship with him. But mankind rebelled against God, so he promised a redeemer. In the interim he introduced a contingency plan that was intended to prevent mankind from destroying themselves, and that was “the Law”.
However, it was never God’s intent that our relationship with him should be governed by law. He desires a love relationship with us, so he sent his Son to us and overwhelmed us with his love. We now reciprocate his love, not through fear of judgment, but as a love response to his compelling love. This concept is most clearly stated in Romans For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh [limited to what could be accomplished in the flesh], God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh [satisfied the righteous demands of the law]: That the righteousness of the law [the full and complete fulfillment of the law] might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. –Rom 8:3-4
Jesus accomplished through love what could never be accomplished through the strict demands of a penal code. He raised the bar on righteousness. For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. –Mat 5:20. He showed us how to live and how to love. His sacrificial death satisfied the penal demands of the law. Through his resurrection, ascension, and the outpouring of the Holy Spirit he has empowered believers to live and to love as he did.
Paul admonishes us to relate in marriage in this same way: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. –Eph 5:27. Jesus came to earth to secure a bride for himself. She was not a beautiful, radiant bride that was eagerly awaiting his arrival. She was defaced by sin and living in rebellion against him—He came unto his own, and his own received him not. –Joh 1:11. Through his patient, persistent love he transformed his bride into a glorious radiant bride that stands in awe of him and joyfully worships and adores him.
Does your wife have spots and wrinkles? Are there some attitudes that you wish were different? Or are there fears and insecurities that hinder her freedom and joy? You could demand that she change and berate her for not living up to your expectations. This approach would be comparable to that of the law. It would serve to amplify her limitations and increase her anxieties. Or you could love her in spite of her spots and wrinkles. With words of compassion and encouragement you could motivate her to rise above her fears, just like Christ sanctifies his bride by his word. Jesus demonstrated that love can accomplish what harsh demands never can. Paul taught that this is a fundamental principle of marriage. It is intended to be a relationship in which the compelling force is love.
V. The great mystery
Paul concluded his treatise on marriage by saying: This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. –Eph 5:32. A mystery in Biblical language in not something that cannot be comprehended, but rather something that can only be understood by those who by faith receive and embrace the Truth. It is revealed to sincere Christians; it is veiled to others.
As believers in Jesus we are privileged to understand a perspective of marriage that many cannot begin to comprehend: that sacrificial love opens the door to intimacy, that covenant love is the key to life-long fulfillment, that our willingness to suffer for the relationship proves the authenticity of our love, and finally, that the most effective way to expedite change in our spouse is unconditional love.
These principles are time-proven and Biblically-based. They are foundational to the Gospel and are a fundamental part of our Anabaptist kingdom-based theology. Where faithfully applied they will transform any marriage.
