That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: –Ephesians 4:14-15.
Often these verses, namely the latter, are discussed in our day. Sometimes, I wonder if we have not misrepresented the words of our dear brother Paul.
We all know that Jesus never had to retract a statement, he never misspoke or talked out of place. How do we know? Hebrews 4:15 and 9:28 both say that Jesus was without sin, so we can confidently affirm this both in our hearts and in our words.
Now as we look at some of the accounts that Jesus spoke to those around Him, we may say that He didn’t sound very loving! Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows’ houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves –Matthew 23:14-15.
He called the Pharisees hypocrites many times. He even called one of His most dedicated disciples, Peter, ‘Satan’. This account seems to have been quite significant since it is recorded by three of the gospel writers in Matthew 16:23, Mark 8:33, and Luke 4:8.
What does it mean to ‘speak the truth in love’? Does it mean that we always talk with a pleasing tone? Does it mean that we never say a sharp or harsh word? Paul tells Titus to …speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee –Titus 2:15. In the book of Revelation, Jesus says… As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten… –Revelation 3:19. It’s almost as if Jesus is saying that you cannot rebuke someone unless you first love them.
The Scriptures record the Apostle Paul as admonishing the church at Ephesus to …have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light –Ephesians 5:11-13. Let’s just be honest, it is easier to speak with love and gentleness than it is to rebuke someone that we love. (Or is it rather someone that we want to keep loving us?) Somehow, we will need to forget or ignore the more than 70 times that the Bible talks about rebuke if we want to be a part of the easy, love-only gospel that is all too common today!
When is the last time you spoke the truth in love? Hopefully, most would say today, or a few minutes ago, and that is good. But when is the last time that you rebuked someone for a wayward act? Maybe it has been a while. Maybe the companions you fellowship with believe that it’s judging to speak into someone else’s life. After all, it could be justified, “We all have beams in our own eyes, right?!” God forbid, let us repent and remove the beams from our eyes so that we can help our brother!
What about in our churches? Take heed, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief, in departing from the living God. But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin –Hebrews 3:12-13. If we only speak ‘nice’ words to each other, we will tend to start drifting away. The Apostle Paul instructs Timothy… Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear –1 Timothy 5:20. Do we find ourselves obeying these scriptures? Or are we leaning too heavily on others, and thus we justify not doing our part?
Could it be that we have a problem? Could it be that we cannot obey both commands—”Rebuke” and “Speak in love”? Obviously not. We all would agree that these verses do not contradict each other. So how can this be? How can we rebuke sharply (Titus 1:13) while at the same time be speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)?
I believe that first we must look closer at the verse in Ephesians. What does the word in mean? Does it mean the same thing as the word with? I believe not. We can speak the truth with love and not be speaking it in love. On the other hand, if we speak in love it will always be with love in our heart (God’s love—love for a soul’s eternal welfare), but it may not be the kind of love that is felt by the other person if they are going by feelings. Could it be that this little in word is causing all the confusion?
Let’s look at an example. Imagine that you take your 4-year-old son out to fell some trees for firewood. Everything is going well, because you and your son have a good understanding of how this works. However, when you have almost cut through the first tree you suddenly notice that your son is walking towards the spot where the tree is going to fall. What do you do? Your son’s life is in danger. Should you possibly tell him softly and gently to turn around and come to you? Maybe you should ponder for a bit about how to speak to him in a way that would not offend him? There are obviously many different approaches to how the next crucial moments would go. Certainly, the tone of your voice would reflect the love you have for your child. No father would simply not care in a moment like this. His love for his son would cause him to call out to his son with urgency. For me, because I love my son dearly, I would holler or scream. I would do whatever it takes. I would even run into harm’s way to pull him to safety. I would then probably scold him to be more careful, to walk more circumspectly.
I believe that speaking in love can sound quite sharp at times. In fact, I believe that according to the Bible’s teaching, we can rebuke sharply, with authority, and at the same time do it in love. The problem is within the heart, when we do not have love in our hearts for our brethren, we disqualify ourselves from speaking the truth to them.
Over the years we have lived in Haiti, I have found that a sharp word spoken in love goes a lot farther that a soft word without love. People often know whether you love them or not. When that love is present, it is necessary at times to reprove, rebuke, and exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine. We will end up with a one-sided relationship if we are never allowed to correct someone or speak a word of admonition into their life.
When we see a problem in a brother’s life, our love for him causes us to share our concern with him. That is what true love does. If we are more interested in friendship and smooth sailing, we will neglect this very important practice. Too often we fear speaking into each other’s lives because we think that if we speak honestly to our friend, then they will no longer appreciate us. But remember, if we do not have love one for another, we should just keep quiet. If this is where we find ourselves then we should pray that God would work in our hearts so that we change; after all, God IS love.
Am I saying that we should forget about how we talk? Absolutely not. I hope that is not the message I’m portraying. I know there is a fine line between erring on either side of this issue, but if we allow our hearts to speak with honesty and Holy Spirit discretion, our relationships will be improved and strengthened.
For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears –2 Timothy 4:3. I feel that the church of today has become too soft. We cannot handle rebuke and therefore we no longer practice this vital part of the Christian life. Due to this, our love and our close fellowship is failing. Instead, we go along with only speaking words that are kind and gentle, thereby never motivating each other to grow. Have we become so easily offended that we can no longer hear God speaking through our brothers? Have we become so sensitive that our fellow laborers do not have the liberty to speak into our lives? God open our eyes! God help us!
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend –Proverbs 27:17. When we sharpen each other, it may not always feel good. Often it will sting or downright hurt. But it is very good for us and very worthwhile.
Let’s say your vehicle is broken down on the side of the road; you’re not sure what the problem is. Along comes a brother, and wanting to show you his love, he looks for something ‘nice’ to say. He comments about the beautiful paint on your car and how clean the windows look. When he leaves, what has he done? Nothing but temporarily lift your spirits. You still have a problem. Another brother comes and it goes quite differently. He looks over the car and says little about the paint and windows. He quickly examines the engine and pronounces that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. He tells you that unless you fix this problem, you’re not going anywhere. Would you be angry with him? Of course not. Would you complain that he didn’t even care about how nice the tires were? That he didn’t say anything about the paint or windows? Not a chance.
But when it comes to the brotherhood, we all want to sit around and talk about the nice things and leave the things that are too ‘sensitive’ in the dark. Have we silently agreed with each other to not correct one another? It almost seems that when a brother wants to rebuke or exhort another brother, he may as well prepare for ‘war’. It should not be this way. If we love each other, which God says we must or we cannot love Him, then we will be open to speak and listen to each other’s concerns.
If we consider anything else in this life—a classroom, the workplace, and even our city streets—without correction there will be failure. We need to listen to those around us who desire to help us. Too many times we would rather be left to ourselves and miss out on a great benefit of true Christian brotherhood. If we want this blessing in our lives, we will need to purposely choose to embrace any constructive criticism that may come our way, no matter from whom it is coming or how unkind it may seem. One thing that goes a long way towards being able to receive ‘hurtful’ rebukes is to always tell ourselves that the other person is wanting to ‘help’ us, not ‘hurt’ us, even though it may feel otherwise.
But speaking the truth in love… Maybe the emphasis in this verse is actually on the word truth. Speaking the truth is not always easy; it takes a love for someone else to pull you out of your comfort zone. When you have a group of brethren that truly love each other, they will speak into each other’s lives—they will speak truth in love.
How we speak to one another certainly means a great deal. The power of the tongue is no small matter. But if we are not unwilling to speak the truth if it means someone will be displeased with us, are we not then at fault? I believe that the fear of man has crept in and controls us more than we would like to admit.
Let’s consider some examples in the Holy Bible. If Jesus had allowed fear of man to influence His life, His ministry would have been much different—He would have remained quiet much of the time. Consider the disciples, each one of them suffered for their Ultimately, they couldn’t but speak of the things they had seen and heard. John the Baptist rebuked Herod! And he lost his head for it. If you read through the martyr’s mirror, in many of the stories the martyrs could have stayed alive if only they would have kept quiet, or spoke nice, agreeable words. But they couldn’t, they had to speak the truth, no matter what the outcome was. They loved not their lives, even unto death. I don’t think it was the tone of voice that these martyrs used which brought the wrath of man down on themselves, but rather it was what they said.
Let’s be honest. We all like it when people are happy with us. We work hard and live upright lives for this cause. But is it biblical? I believe that this verse, speaking the truth in love, is meant to cause us to get off easy street and begin to say the hard things of Scripture that will cause the world to hate us, to say the hard things that cause a brother or sister to consider their ways and repent.
When we speak in love, I believe we have an open door to say the hard things. I’m so thankful for those that loved me enough to say the things that I needed to hear. I pray that God will continue to put those people into my life, the ones who are willing to sacrifice friendship, if need be, to warn me of error in my way.
O that God would raise up men who have eternity in their vision and know the worth of one soul. Those who know how to sacrifice being well liked, so they can be the light of the world. I believe the first step we need to take to fulfill this verse, is to repent for our lack of true biblical love one for another. Then and only then, will we be able to start … speaking the truth in love, [so that we] may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ –Ephesians 4:15.
