We live in a world where death and grief are inevitable realities, and so we are all confronted at times with the helpless feeling of wanting to comfort those who are grieving, but being unsure of the right way to do it. Naturally, those Christians who have passed through this valley of sorrow are the ones best qualified to teach us how to ‘weep with those that weep’. Therefore this article is simply a compilation of the insights shared by different believers who have been comforted by the compassion of their brothers and sisters. My sincere thanks to each person who was willing to look back at their grief and share this wisdom so that we may all learn how to more effectively comfort the broken-hearted. This information was drawn from a sister’s meeting held at Charity Christian Fellowship where the subject of comforting the bereaved was addressed.
It is important to understand that grieving is a deeply personal experience, and different people will express grief in different ways. Naturally then, there is no ironclad set of rules for comforting those in grief. There are, however, some basic principles we can learn about grief that will help us avoid unknowingly adding to a grieving believer’s pain.
Most people described an initial period of numbness and shock after the death of a loved one. The mind is overwhelmed with one consuming thought, and it seems impossible to think of anything else. During this time, the simple presence of those who were close to them was the most meaningful comfort. Crowds of people would be overwhelming at this point, but the presence of close friends can be a healing comfort. If you have already been close to someone before they faced tragedy, at least offer your presence, prayers, and love during their grief.
Avoid asking questions during this period, especially about the death or tragedy they are dealing with. Many people found that a simple question seemed impossible to answer because the mind was frozen by shock. In addition, asking questions about details of the death force the grieving person to relive the emotions of those moments. If you are comforting a grieving saint in the first hours or days of grief, be sensitive about the turmoil in their mind. Instead of asking questions, offer simple, positive statements of love and compassion. Be available to do everyday, practical things for the grieving believer. Maybe someone needs to take responsibility for chores, or cleaning the house, or providing a meal, or simply loving and caring for the younger children.
Be sensitive to the desires of those who are grieving. Maybe they want to deal with their grief by surrounding themselves with people. On the other hand, some people prefer to grieve alone. Maybe the person wants to talk about memories of the person who has passed on, or maybe they prefer not to at certain times. Find out what your grieving brother or sister wants, and respect those desires.
If the person you wish to comfort has lost his/her spouse, be aware of the pain and loss they are feeling, and be sensitive to that when you are in their presence. This is not a time for you and your spouse to openly express your affection for each other. The person in grief does not need that painful reminder that he/she no longer has the option of reaching for a spouse’s loving hand, nor giving or receiving affection.
After the initial shock there is often an extended period of painful reality when the finality of death settles in for the grieving person. Daily life must somehow continue, even though the magnitude of their loss is fully beginning to dawn on them, and life seems more difficult than ever. Furthermore, the words of comfort and the encouraging cards are beginning to dwindle as most people move on with their own lives and slowly forget the silent grief still being experienced by someone they love. Your continued love and encouragement are very important, especially on occasions such as the birthday of the deceased person, or the first anniversary with one partner gone. It will take a deliberate choice and effort on your part to provide the needed comfort after other people have begun to forget, but your compassion will be more needed than ever.
There is no need to try to explain God’s purposes to those in grief. If you want to offer words of comfort, share something simple from your heart. No one knows the heart of God anyway, and our surmising does no good. For example, parents who have lost young children are sometimes ‘comforted’ with the words, “Maybe the Lord knew that he/she would grow up to be an unbeliever, and so it’s His mercy to take them now.” Again, we do not know the mind of God, so we have no idea whether this is true, but such words offer no comfort to the grieving parents. They have no memories of an unbeliever, but rather of a sweet, innocent child. A simple “I love you and am praying for you” means much more than speculation about God’s possible purposes and will.
Many people also found it difficult when they were reminded that there was now a better reason to desire heaven since they had a loved one there. While this is true, a believer’s true motivation for desiring heaven is the hope of seeing the Lord Jesus Christ face to face. Don’t make a grieving person feel guilty by suggesting that heaven’s greatest attraction is the presence of a spouse, child, or friend.
Again, we must remember that every situation is unique, and different people respond to grief differently. Don’t apply the suggestions in this article as one-size-fits-all rules. Just be real in sharing the grief of those whom you love, and always seek to have the mind of Christ, Who was sent to bind up the brokenhearted.
