# Holding the Hearts of our Children THE GODLY HOME Language: en Author: Donald Brechbill Chambersburg, PA Original issue: The Heartbeat of The Remnant, Spring 2020, Number 1 Source pages: 32–34 Read article: Original PDF: Spring\-2020\-Remnant\.pdf [The Heartbeat of The Remnant, Spring 2020]() ## The Formative years *Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse –Mal 4:5\-6\.* The vision of godly parents is to maintain an intimate and enriching relationship with our children\. Family relationships are the building blocks of our churches and the fabric of our society\. If you grew up in a close\-knit family where there was constructive, open\-hearted sharing you may assume that that is a common and “normal” family life\. Unfortunately, this is not always the case\. In this article we intend to consider methods of relating that draw parents to their children and children to their parents\. We will be focusing on the formative years which are the childhood years from birth to adolescence\. We will look first at what parents can do to “hold” \(get and keep\) the hearts of their children, then we will consider remedial efforts for dysfunctional relationships\. The best way to trace the quality of a parent/child relationship is to begin at birth and follow the relationship through as the child develops\. Children are born with basic fundamental needs\. Where these needs are met, healthy development takes place\. When these needs are not met, a child will struggle developing to their full potential\. ## The First Year ### Acceptance Studies have shown that a child can sense rejection, even at times, in the womb\. If a child is unwanted, that child will naturally mirror what they are experiencing\. Thus, they tend to develop a sense of that rejection and then not bond properly with the parent\. In a normal parent/child relationship the child is naturally bonded to the parents, and parents need only to nurture and strengthen the bond that already exists\. ### Physical Touch There was a day when babies were whisked away to the nursery for “professional” care the moment they were born\. This practice and other similar ‘abuses’, such as fathers being barred from the delivery room, paved the way for home deliveries\. Fortunately, even the medical profession has become ‘enlightened’ to the fact that there is powerful bonding that takes place in those first few hours and days of an infant’s life\. Most mothers and fathers do not need to be told to cuddle and kiss their babies\. For those who are not inclined to be physically close to their infant, be advised that physical distance in infancy leads to emotional detachment later in life\. We need only to consider Jesus, the representation of our Heavenly Father as detailed in the Scriptures to learn how parents should use physical touch when relating to their children—Jesus laid His hands on the children in Matthew 19:13\-15; Jesus took the children in His arms in Mark 10:13\-16; and throughout the New Testament Jesus used His hands to offer a healing touch to the many, varied ailments of those with whom He came in contact\. ### Proper Care The essential needs of an infant are quite simple and obvious: food, diapering, and plenty of sleep\. Most parents will naturally provide for these essentials\. In rare cases where children are neglected at this stage of their lives, permanent, lifelong struggles will develop\. ## Ages two to five Somehow, the second year of life has become known as the “terrible twos”\. Instead it is actually a wonderful and necessary time of learning and exploring for a child\. There is probably no season of life in which a child is more impressionable\. Their brain is developing very rapidly which provides great opportunity for parental input\. **Here are a few of those opportunities…** ### …Learn to pray Our family philosophy has been “if a child can talk, a child can pray”\. While they may not understand much about who God is, praying impresses into the mind of the child the fact that “God is”\. This simple awareness of the existence of God will follow and bless that child all throughout his/her life\. Their initial prayers are sure to be simple such as “Thank you for the food, Amen”\. A parent can train their child to pray with a simple ‘repeat after me’ type of prayer\. A child that develops the habit of praying is laying the foundation for a disciplined life of prayer\. ### …Learn Bible stories Children love to be read to\. When a parent reads to a child, the child believes what is being read because mom or dad “said so”\. Before the age of five, children are unable to discern between truth and fiction\. In their mind everything is real\. This season of life is an ideal time to introduce your child to the wonderful stories of the Bible\. There are many Bible story books available\. Make certain that they are Biblically accurate and not some glorified fantasy\. Bible stories impressed upon the mind of a child will go with them for life\. ### …Development of empathy Recent studies have shown that empathy—the ability of a child to feel what another is feeling—is developed between the ages of two and five\. This same study has shown that children who are allowed to be entertained with electronic media at this season of their lives fail to develop empathy\. The fast\-paced visual input of movies and computer games over\-stimulates the brain and inhibits the development of more subtle influences of caring and feeling\. Additionally, much of this entertainment is violent and self\-serving in its nature\. This study is very alarming when you consider that most children today are growing up with this sort of surrogate parenting\. The Apostle Paul prophesied that in the last days *…men shall be lovers of their own selves… –2Ti 3:2\.* This prophesy is being fulfilled in the lives of children who are failing to develop empathy\. ### …Development of obedience In the years of two to five a child’s will is most malleable—that is, able to be conditioned\. Parents do well to regard this as the prime season for training the will\. The litmus test for obedience training is whether or not a child responds to voice commands\. Children who disregard parental commands have not learned obedience and will grow up taking their own way in life\. A child who learns to live with a surrendered will to their parents will one day much more easily walk in unquestioning obedience to God\. The Bible gives clear directives on the use of the rod\. *The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame –Pro 29:15\.* The most effective remedy for rebellion is the rod\. This must be done discreetly and moderately, never in anger and never in excess\. Until the pain of disobedience exceeds the **“pain”** of obedience, a child will continue to disobey\. Loving and caring discipline has the effect of drawing the heart of the child to the parent\. Discipline, IF done properly, has the effect of freeing the spirit of the child from guilt and restoring the child’s relationship to the parent\. We have found that the child is drawn to the parent who administers the discipline\. Discipline has a way of bringing the child into compliance with his own conscience so that he is now at rest—emotional and spiritual peace and tranquility\. In this state of inner peace, the child is now free to once more relate with his parents\. ## Ages six to adolescence These years are critical years in the development of parent/child relationships\. During these years, children are developing relationships with others that sometimes compete with parental relationships\. As our children become less dependent on us there is a tendency to not feel compelled to invest as much time and energy in maintaining that relationship\. Teenage rebellion begins before a child reaches the teen years\. If the relationship is not nurtured throughout these pre\-adolescent years, the heart of the child turns elsewhere\. **Let’s look at some of the needs of children at this season of their lives…** ### …A Personal Relationship with God Children who are raised in a Christian home and who sit regularly under gospel preaching will come to a point of decision where they must choose to make their earthly father’s God, their personal God\. We sometimes refer to this as the ‘age of accountability’\. Exactly at what age this happens will vary from child to child, but if parental training and gospel preaching is at all effective it will bring about conviction of sin and repentance at some point, most commonly during adolescence\. This impacts parent/child relationships in that a child who is resisting God’s authority will also resist parental authority and vice versa\. A child who is under conviction is sometimes sullen, withdrawn, and not very cooperative\. A wise parent will be sensitive to this and will help his/her child to be birthed into the Kingdom\. While we do not promote child evangelism, we must be aware whether God is speaking to the heart of our child and be available when the time of spiritual birth has come\. ### …A sense of personal worth This season of a child’s life is a time of learning and doing\. Children learn by doing and should be encouraged to discover their creative gifts\. The process of ‘learning by doing’ many times involves failure as the child learns by ‘trial and error’\. Children should not be criticized if their efforts do not work out immediately\. After hundreds of failed attempts Tom Edison finally invented a functional light bulb\. A sense of personal worth results when a child discovers that “I can do things” and “I can contribute to my family and my community”\. A child who is okay with themselves and their natural abilities will feel okay with their relationships with friends and family\. A child who has been put down and made to feel incompetent will withdraw from intimate relationships and will be looking elsewhere for their affirmation\. The absence of parental affirmation in a child’s life can impact their relationships for the rest of their life\. Only through understanding God’s unconditional love and acceptance can this be resolved\. ### …Personal Responsibility In this season of a child’s life the child must learn personal responsibility\. Simple things like making their bed, cleaning their room, and helping with household chores teaches them to become responsible members of the household\. This discipline becomes a pattern of life that will allow them to eventually become contributing members of the local church and of society\. Learning personal responsibility early in life shifts a child’s focus away from pleasing self to living in harmony with others\. Many people who struggle with relationships as adults have had a childhood of self\-pleasing or self\-focus\. Parents can prepare their children for adulthood by training them to embrace personal responsibility early in life\. ### …Good study habits The pre\-adolescent mind is like a vacuum in that it absorbs well and has good retention\. A caring parent will provide plenty of good quality reading material for their child\. In a world of many books it can be a challenge to discern what is good quality and what is not\. It is of primary importance that we provide books that promote sound Christian values that align with our Kingdom perspective\. There are many such books available from our Anabaptist publishing houses\. Know the interests of your child and encourage them to expand their world of knowledge through extensive reading\. Encourage your children to be reading “up”, that is, slightly above their level of comprehension\. They should also be reading “out”, that is, outside of the topics that they are naturally drawn to or are interested in\. Children learn by reading “up” and “out”\. They learn new words, new facts, and new concepts as they read\. What does this have to do with parental relationships? Parents should be involved in their children’s education whether they are homeschooling or not\. Ask them about what they are reading\. Offer your perspective and insight on the subject at hand\. Win their respect by demonstrating your knowledge and opinions\. ### …Musing vs\. amusing We are training children to become adults and that process must involve allowing them to become critical thinkers and providing them with a Biblical foundation for evaluating the broad range of ideas that they will encounter in life\. To ‘muse’ means *to think*\. To ‘amuse’ means *to **not** think*\. Much of the children’s entertainment that is available today is designed to “amuse”\. This is especially true of computer games and movies\. These forms of entertainment encourage the child to open his mind to predetermined values\. It is amazing what some Christian parents will allow their children to watch\. Many computer games involve violence\. Most movies contain scenes of compromised morality\. These influences go directly to the heart of a child and help to form their conscience—their sense of right and wrong\. ### …Heart\-level communication Preadolescent children should be encouraged to talk about their inner feelings\. Relationships are built with open\-hearted communication\. There was a time when the teaching was that children were to be ‘seen but not heard’\. More recently the pendulum has swung to the opposite extreme where the child becomes the ‘center’ of focus, and the feelings of the child is understood to be paramount\. Both of these extremes create an unhealthy and unnatural parent/child relationship\. Instead when we follow God’s direction, the parent must maintain the role of mentor, maintaining the upper hand and providing healthy direction for the child\. The child’s feelings may not dominate the relationship, but neither should the child be suppressed to the point that he is made to feel that his feelings are invalid\. The child who is forced to suppress his feelings will have the tendency to become angry and his heart will be redirected to the first person who shows a caring attitude\. The child who is emotionally pampered will tend to become extremely self\-focused and will struggle in intimate relationships\. ## Summary Children are naturally bonded to their parents\. Proverbs 17:6 says *…the glory of children are their fathers\.* Most children want to be able to boast about their parents\. Our identity is linked to our parents and we often measure our worth by our relationship with our parents\. This relationship becomes the framework for future relationships\. Many adults struggle with relational issues that can sometimes be traced to parental neglect or outright abuse\. If this is your situation there are two things that you should be aware of\. The first is that healing can only be found in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ\. None of us have had perfect parents, but Jesus is a perfect friend\. Knowing Him intimately fills the relational void of imperfect human relationships\. Secondly, if you did not have a good relationship with your parents you need to find God’s healing for that, or you will most likely repeat the neglect and/or abuse with your own children\. We tend to emulate the parenting pattern of our parents unless we make intentional choices to do otherwise\. Children who are happy, contented, and socially adaptable are children who have grown up in a loving environment in which their essential needs have been met\. Parenting is a big responsibility, but one that brings with it the greatest fulfillment, complete with eternal rewards\.